Life goes on

I was accused of “re-inventing” myself because I decided to decrease my social life a few weeks ago. I retorted, “rejuvenating” and was met with, “whatever” as a reply. Normally, I would just move on and forget about it. Actually, I did, after I rolled my eyeballs a few times, while sipping my Gin and tonic that was lacking in rosemary and a bartender.

A few days later, there was another exchange between me and this person (who shall remain nameless but y’alls could accurately guess his/her identity, I am sure). This exchange goes on for awhile, as exchanges tend to be, you know.

I must say that once in awhile, you need to step away from whatever it is that has been taking so much of your time, effort and energy. Hence, a 2 week vacation from work where you drag your children (if you have them), spouse (again, if you have one of those) to where ever it is struck your fancy. You pack your luggages, yell at your family or travelling partners to hurry up, and so on.

Personally, I much rather get away by myself. Especially without my children and sometimes without my husband. I would whet my appetite for various foods that I have been craving or heard of but never sampled before or just too lazy to cook at home. A holiday for me is when I do absolutely the opposite of what I do while at home. I do not drive, I do not cook, I do not clean, and if I am travelling with my children, I fuss at them as little as possible.

But I digress.

In cutting down on my online and phone social life, I have been able to do so much more. I am no longer tethered to my laptop, lugging it around the house with me in order not to miss every IM, tweet, Google Plus and what have you. I am able to drive and plug in my phone to my car to listen to my Pandora, open my roof and window, and not worry about the other person at the end of the line not being able to hear me speak.

The most important thing right now is, I am able to see the bigger picture now that I have stepped outside of it.

There are steps in which you need to take in order to step outside the picture. You need to come to terms with yourself of what you are about to do. Whether you consciously decide or unconsciously step out, it matters not, the fact is, you need to reconcile that you are stepping out or have stepped out, at some point. I did both, without realising beforehand, of the urgent need for it.

I realised I need to do something because I was getting bogged down. I knew I needed a change of air, of scenery, of activities, of something. I must say my first few attempts were proving to be an exercise in futility. I did not give up simply because I knew I had to do it. As I mentioned in my last post, I had help from several listening ears and one of them provided so much insight that I have overlooked. This morning, as I was doing dishes before I left for the gym, something that occurred almost 2 years ago entered my consciousness. I shrugged it off at the time, thinking it as no big deal. I was wrong, it was a very big deal. Who knew, somebody’s reaction or, lack thereof, speaks volume for that person.

I would never have been able to think that clearly that far back had I been occupied with people all day long, as I have been doing until a few weeks ago.

Realising and reconciling what I am up against helps me come to terms with my decision. I began realising a few months ago, but only now it becomes crystal clear to me.

I am not dwelling on anything. I am just working through some things in my mind. Something was bothering H not too long ago. He sat down, looked out the window, and went through it in his mind. He told me the next day what bothered him and said, “I am just telling you what was bothering me last night. I worked through it, I am good now, I am Zen.” And just like that, we moved on.

It takes me longer than a few minutes to work through things but eventually, I will arrive at my destination. I just need to clear out the clutter and noise but I think I am very close to getting there. I am so close to it, I can smell the freshness that is freedom. The freedom to not be bothered or bogged down by whatever might happen in the future.

For now though, I am going to ransack my liquor cabinet before the sun sets and plug into my 80′s collection, in my hammock. It is the weekend, after all.

 

Julia_HotFish notes to self: when all else fails, listen to the silence.

 

Still here but not really

A little over a year ago, each time this song comes on my stereo while I drive, I was transported back to a narrow road leading up to a stop sign about 10 miles away from my house. Sometimes, while I drive down that road, that same song starts playing in my head and I would feel a little anguish. That feeling has since dissipated and I truly cannot tell you how I felt during those summer months. Suffice to say, I only wish those anguish, hatred, anger, loneliness and despair upon my most hated enemies. (When I do something, I try to do it right the first time around. Therefore, when I hate, I hate with every fiber of my being).

In the weeks that followed, I would drive to this song on loop for miles.  I could not help myself, it just happened. In my experience, whenever I feel something, it serves me well to just go with it.

Soon, whatever I was feeling disappeared into the ether and I felt a sense of calm and normality. I played entire CDs on loop, as opposed to a single song. Another phase or change in my life had taken place, and I was carrying on with my life as usual.

For the past few months, I sensed change approaching but was rather unsure of it. I was never unsure of change, I always went with it. I am used to changing my appearance, what I drink, eat, where I go, what I do with great ease. There was a time when I stopped wearing fun, loud colour skirts and blouses and started wearing khaki or black pants and shorts with minimal jewelleries – mostly my pearls and diamonds everywhere I went. My tops during those days were either white or black with a couple of red ones. Today, I do not have a single khaki trousers or shorts in my closet and I even shudder at khaki skirts.

I am not about to change my wardrobe again –  I am happy with my clothes right now and cannot imagine getting into depressing world of khakis once more.

What I am changing right now is how I spend my time and with whom I am spending it.

I am spending my time with myself, doing things I have not done in a couple of years. I listen to music on loop, loudly, while driving, I dance to my music while I do my chores around the house. In addition to that, I am also getting inspired to do other things. I am not sure yet what but I will get there eventually, one of these days. I have a feeling that I may give up my drinks in the foreseeable future. I do not have a set time as in how long I will be dry and that is one goal I am not setting. No, I am not doing the 12 step or going to meetings or whatever, it’s just that time in my life again.

I had a rather difficult past few months but I am over it. I have moved on and in the words of my husband, “I am good now, I am Zen.”

There is a popular saying in my language, loosely translated would be, “enough already, let’s move on.” We would say this to whomever having a difficult time with a person or situation, and sits around mulling over whatever it is that cannot be changed. Back home, we would let the person stew in hate for awhile before we would utter these words. The person stewing would take the hint and move on. S/he would normally bring the hate elsewhere to another person who might listen for awhile before saying the same thing – enough already, let’s move on. I sometimes miss those words being said to me. If only because there is someone out there who might pretend to give a fuck about whatever weighing in my mind.

But to say that nobody had been lending a sympathetic or emphatic ear recently would make me a liar. So, thank you, my favourite peoples, for listening, putting up with my ranting, venting, raving the past few months. I also know that you understand my disappearances and sporadic appearances is not personal. We are just these sort of people and not those sort.

Julia_HotFish notes to self: Change is good, change is inevitable.

I am done

I am done with this statement – “I am done.” I noticed that each time anyone says, “I am done,” that person is not really done in that sense of done. You keep doing whatever it is you are done with and keep doing the same things for years to come. The “I am done,” statement was meant to be an “end all” to your suffering and stupidity but really, it is nothing more than a statement to get other people’s attention, to throw the spotlight on yourself. Well, maybe I am too harsh, perhaps it was to motivate yourself to actually undo the damage you have done.

Personally, to me, when someone declares to me that he or she is “done” I begin to laugh on the inside a little bit. I feel compelled to push that person to undo his or her statement. I am often successful in doing so. Most times, I do not even need to push that person to go back on his or her word. I just sit and wait because whatever situation caused that person to make that declaration will re-surface. Guess what else, being in the same situation puts you in a comfort zone and you go back to it because you are not really trying to get out of it. You are merely seeking attention. That is my take on “I am done” so I am not doing it because I am not joining the masses.

Think of the number of times you ate too much, you drank too much, various other stupid things you did. You declare, “I will never eat again!” or “I am not touching another drink!” Somewhere in the future, you find yourself doing the same exact thing – ate and drank too much and you declare once again, “I am not doing whatever it was I did last night, ever again!” It is a vicious cycle.

I find comfort in staying on the path of self-destruction and waking up one morning or lying in bed, falling asleep, having this great urge to change course.

Changes happened in my life and half the time, I was not even aware of them creeping up on me. Some of them happened because there was no way around it – I moved and as a result, I interact with different people, or people moved or their schedules change, affecting my life in the process. Either we have more or little time with each other, or we simply disappear from each other’s lives. Some other times, it was unavoidable because I grew bored and found myself picking up a new hobby or found someone else more interesting. I needed the breath of fresh air, so to speak.

A couple of years ago, I got on the roller-coaster ride, which turned into a roller-train. That ride came to a screeching halt and made me evaluate a few things but when I got back on the ride, it became something else. It was still headed for a wreck the same as before but it was no longer a roller anything. It has recently become a merry-go-round.

The roller-coaster ride was a little bit more pleasant because of the undulating terrain – up and down and I rather prefer that but I have never been fond of the merry-go-round. I find it tedious and nauseating. I see the same scenery at the same height, going at the same speed. There is no excitement to speak of – it is boring. It is child’s play and I am unexcited by it. I am always glad to get off that ride and I very seldom get on it.

A number of changes happened in my life in the past two years and it is changing again as I type this. I became responsible for my health once again, tweaking my diet, pushing myself physically each passing day, and I am very comfortable where my life is going.

Last week, I had a mini holiday that involved excessive eating, drinking and pushing personal spaces to the limit. I am sure I could push more but I am saving that for later. Anyway, a few days later, I changed gyms, and am very excited by it. The possibilities are endless as far as I am concerned. I have identified what works as far as excessive eating and drinking goes, now it is time to move on to pushing myself physically. I am excited to try new exercises and routines in my daily life.

In order to turn my routines around, I will have to make a few changes but that is what life is all about.

I always find time away from home brings a new perspective into my life. I cannot speak for everyone but a change of air even for a day or two, always makes the sunshine brighter and life infinitely less boring. I do not understand how people can pack their bags, visit new places, meet new people and goes home unmotivated, unrepressed, unmoved, un-rejuvenated, un-inspired.

Most of the time, I do not even need to leave town to inspire myself. The people I meet every day, with their vibrant personalities and bright smiles are enough to put a spring in my step.

So anyway, I am on a journey to better myself, perhaps contribute a little positivity in other people’s lives as I go along. I will have to deal with this merry-go-round accordingly. I understand that I have to tread lightly because changes do not come easy for some people. In addition, I will have to keep my impatience in check. Sometimes my impatience wreaks havoc in other people’s lives but I am afraid it is necessary. I have to take care of myself first.

Julia_HotFish notes to self: put oneself first in order to create a better environment for others.

Trying but not (yet) succeeding…

It has been awhile since I got any bad vibes from anyone or, rather, someone in particular. Recently, I had several dreams, phone calls, and other worries. My dreams most of the time serve as a warning that something untoward is happening or about to happen. In the past, my dreams were clear-cut. It was about a single person either looking for me or who may be having issues with his or her life. I stopped getting these dreams several years ago when I lost touch with people from my past.

Recently, these dreams are coming back and I do not know what they mean – they were about several people. Add to that, I am once again getting bad vibes and with it, massive amount of irritation and the urge to just give it all up. I am ready to throw in the towel.

I grew up being told to fix whatever problems I may have because it is my life; nobody else is going to do it for me. There were a number of times that I tried to fix my problems the wrong way and the results were disastrous. My mum used to tell me that some things will fix themselves but at the same time, to stop doing stupid things inviting other problems. For instance, I wanted a boyfriend and hopefully, that boyfriend will marry me and I will lead a normal life. The problem was that I hung out with the wrong people. They did not want to be married, or they did not want to be married to me, or they simply found me not interesting enough for another date. So I went out with those I did not find interesting or marriageable. I was shooting myself in the foot every single day. My mum decided she had seen me mope around enough so she told me that I should just let it go. I should just not think about having someone in my life because people can smell neediness in others and that is not an attractive trait. I then decided that I should listen to her and to just enjoy my life, be with people who make me laugh and just quit looking for that Mr. Right.

I relied on myself for my enjoyments. If someone asked me out, I would say yes, and if he was uninteresting, at least I learnt a few things from him – his life experiences and most importantly, whatever I did not like in that person, I strove to ensure that I myself do not behave in that same way. I began to relax more, I made new friends, and I still did not have a boyfriend but it ceased to bother me.

I do not need to tell you all the frogs that I have kissed over the years and learning to make myself happy instead of relying on others have landed me The Mr. Right which is another story altogether but yes, let us not go there right now.

I am on tetherhooks right now because these dreams and bad vibes are taking a toll on me. I am trying to fix this but I am at a loss. Talking about it to death will do nothing except drive people away. After all, who wants to hear me bitch, moan and complain about the same thing every other day? I sometimes cannot help myself but become very irritated and leave my phone beyond my reach. As in, I leave a room and my phone is not in my hand. I leave my charger in my Happy Mobile so I turn off my phone when I go to bed at night to preserve battery life. I used to always have my charger everywhere I go. Now the lack of an available charger is a great excuse not to deal with my phone ringing, causing me grief one way or another.

I am seeing a pattern in my recent life right now and I am not quite sure how to deal with it.

I must say that having to deal with all these occurrences from various sources at the same time is driving me slightly to greater instability. I have been steadily losing the drive to go to the gym in the past several months but I am trying very hard not to back down. I have been forcing myself to get there every morning but I am finding it a little less easy each week.

Fear not, I will drag myself out there at least every other day because the fear of becoming flabby is greater than my moroseness at the moment. I think the day I completely stop will be the day I start buying size 2 clothes, change my name and disappear. I need a new identity if I were to become larger and flabbier.

Julia_HotFish notes to self: when the going gets rough, should the rough kick back and drink instead?

To be free

Some people like to plan for everything in their lives. Others just wake up every morning and decide what to do when the time comes. There are also those who plan for some things but let other aspects of their lives take shape as and when it needs to.

I am that person who wakes up every morning and decide what will happen. I do admit some things need planning and I am not very happy about that at all; for instance, having to book tickets for a flight or hotel rooms and arranging car rentals, and the like. I find it very taxing and I put them all off as much as I can. H however, likes to plan these things to its tiniest detail. Whenever we had to move and I had to book hotels for our temporary lodgings, I always find the perfect excuse not to do it right away. I will wait for him to plot our route and pick the dates. I find that when other people are scrambling to do something, I get motivated to get off my arse and get in the mood to do it.

Once, H was gone and I had to do everything including arrange for the movers to come at a certain date, cleaning the house from top to bottom, collecting the kids’ medical records from various doctors, finding accommodations, changing the tyres to my car, and everything else that goes with a long-distance travel. I got into panic mode for about a month. Then I began to get brilliant ideas that turned out to be major failures, having to go back to square one – panic. Eventually, I decided that I will literally have to do everything myself – including cleaning the house from top to bottom, every nook and cranny while I deal with a very cranky, unpredictable baby. I must say that all the running around did not kill me and planning does have its advantage.

However, it is as if I was born to dive into things because while most people plan to buy a house (we did too, actually, we were house-hunting) in a locale they know and like, we bought a house because we had no other choice unless we put off buying a house and move to yet another strange place. We decided to buy this house half hour after we left it with the builder and realtor. Whatever we were looking for in a house that we were actively looking at went out the window. We are now proud homeowners who had to move to an almost strange place. Almost strange place because we did not know the place even existed just miles away from where we used to live and liked.

I planned to move away from my parents and live my own life in a different continent but ended up here, in the United States. I planned not to have children but have two of them, I planned so much and they all came to naught. This is why I decided to do away with planning anything.

H used to lose sleep over something he planned but the plan fell to pieces. I just shrug my shoulders and remind him later on when the same situation arise. I prefer to look back at the mistake I made whether due to planning or the lack of it, and work towards rectifying the situation so as not to make the same mistake. Of course, some mistakes you cannot help but repeat.

These days, I am not planning anything. The last time I planned something, it fell to pieces. That was early this week, by the way.

H’s favourite sister plans for laundry day, checking her emails, and such like. She said that if whatever is not in her planner, she does not do it. We laughed at her checking off her list of things to do each day, every so many hours. I tried that and failed miserably. I forgot I listed a number of things to do on any particular day. I found my planner a week later and laughed at myself.

I often announce if I was going to buy foodstuff and ask Children of the Corn and H if they need anything. Child of the Corn I always has a list of things she “needs” and leaves it on my laptop. This morning I found a list from her and forgot a thing or two. In fact, I forgot I was carrying her list in my bag. The list in my head distracted me.

You see, it is not just planning for the big things like marrying somebody or not having children that disagree with me. It includes little plans and simple lists like groceries.

When you plan something, add other people in the mix, and the plan fall to pieces. You think you are upset, think about those people you included in your planning. You told them, “Hey, let us go do this or that next week, month, year,” those people of course look forward to doing this or that at the appointed time. Something comes up and you are not able to do whatever it was you planned. Those people you included in your plans probably think you are deliberately not intending to do whatever it was you planned. They would be disappointed at not being able to do whatever it is and most definitely in you for going back on your word. I know I would.

I will just go to bed every night and wake up the next morning, and go about my way. If I feel something urgently needs doing, I will jump off my bed and go do it. Otherwise, come hell or high water, I will just not plan for anything.

Julia_HotFish notes to self: must plan not to plan.