A little over a year ago, each time this song comes on my stereo while I drive, I was transported back to a narrow road leading up to a stop sign about 10 miles away from my house. Sometimes, while I drive down that road, that same song starts playing in my head and I would feel a little anguish. That feeling has since dissipated and I truly cannot tell you how I felt during those summer months. Suffice to say, I only wish those anguish, hatred, anger, loneliness and despair upon my most hated enemies. (When I do something, I try to do it right the first time around. Therefore, when I hate, I hate with every fiber of my being).
In the weeks that followed, I would drive to this song on loop for miles. I could not help myself, it just happened. In my experience, whenever I feel something, it serves me well to just go with it.
Soon, whatever I was feeling disappeared into the ether and I felt a sense of calm and normality. I played entire CDs on loop, as opposed to a single song. Another phase or change in my life had taken place, and I was carrying on with my life as usual.
For the past few months, I sensed change approaching but was rather unsure of it. I was never unsure of change, I always went with it. I am used to changing my appearance, what I drink, eat, where I go, what I do with great ease. There was a time when I stopped wearing fun, loud colour skirts and blouses and started wearing khaki or black pants and shorts with minimal jewelleries – mostly my pearls and diamonds everywhere I went. My tops during those days were either white or black with a couple of red ones. Today, I do not have a single khaki trousers or shorts in my closet and I even shudder at khaki skirts.
I am not about to change my wardrobe again – I am happy with my clothes right now and cannot imagine getting into depressing world of khakis once more.
What I am changing right now is how I spend my time and with whom I am spending it.
I am spending my time with myself, doing things I have not done in a couple of years. I listen to music on loop, loudly, while driving, I dance to my music while I do my chores around the house. In addition to that, I am also getting inspired to do other things. I am not sure yet what but I will get there eventually, one of these days. I have a feeling that I may give up my drinks in the foreseeable future. I do not have a set time as in how long I will be dry and that is one goal I am not setting. No, I am not doing the 12 step or going to meetings or whatever, it’s just that time in my life again.
I had a rather difficult past few months but I am over it. I have moved on and in the words of my husband, “I am good now, I am Zen.”
There is a popular saying in my language, loosely translated would be, “enough already, let’s move on.” We would say this to whomever having a difficult time with a person or situation, and sits around mulling over whatever it is that cannot be changed. Back home, we would let the person stew in hate for awhile before we would utter these words. The person stewing would take the hint and move on. S/he would normally bring the hate elsewhere to another person who might listen for awhile before saying the same thing – enough already, let’s move on. I sometimes miss those words being said to me. If only because there is someone out there who might pretend to give a fuck about whatever weighing in my mind.
But to say that nobody had been lending a sympathetic or emphatic ear recently would make me a liar. So, thank you, my favourite peoples, for listening, putting up with my ranting, venting, raving the past few months. I also know that you understand my disappearances and sporadic appearances is not personal. We are just these sort of people and not those sort.
Julia_HotFish notes to self: Change is good, change is inevitable.
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