I am perfect

Someone told me tonight that I could be aggravating at times. Apparently, one of those times was a few hours ago.

He also said that he understood that I have my moods but enough is enough. For a fleeting moment, I felt annoyed that my moods are okay, as long as it is not too frequent or perhaps too sudden. No, I did not ask what he meant, “enough is enough.” I was annoyed. I mean, it is my feelings, isn’t it? I cannot help it, can I? Oh, shut up, you non-feeling fucks.

Then, I felt bad that he felt upset (yes, that I did ask – Are you upset?) His reply was, to ask me if it made any difference if he was upset. Hey, wait, did I get that right? I cannot remember. Older people suck the youth right out of me. I do not remember many things anymore.

Where am I going with this? Nowhere, really, I just wanted to share that I have my moods, they come, and they go as they please. Sometimes my evil twin makes an appearance and then it is all shot to hell. Oh, wait, she did that already, right before summer, never mind, she will be back, when you least expect her.

The mystery of why I felt not myself most of this past summer had been solved – during the summer and no, I did not share with you or anyone else so, do not be jealous or upset or whatever feeling you have right now. I do not care. Yeah, I know, you do not care either, so we are good here, no?

I wrote a lengthy email last night, and I continued writing it tonight but, now, I am not so sure. I do not think I should share my thoughts, my feelings with that many people. My feelings are my own, and I should not be compelled to share them with a soul if I do not want to, and nobody can make me, either, so there.

I am not feeling a lot of anger right now, no, just a little frustrated.

I was irritated most of last week, but not so much that I missed my workouts. I just missed a few phone calls (deliberately) and SMS (also deliberately) and a number of other things I cannot even begin to tell you because, yes, I do not remember, and, yes, I do not care to go back there. It is the past, why dwell on it, nothing good will ever come out of it.

The flood of emotions that I got from roughly this time last year has finally stopped. It had been gone a month and it did not come back. I suppose I had an over-load in the summertime and I am now spared from it. It was very refreshing not getting other peoples’ emotions every day but it can be disconcerting at times. I suppose there is nothing I can do about it but just go with it.

In other news, the time to change things up has come in my life. One of the reasons I was very irritated most of last week was that I needed fresh air. I had to air out the staleness that permeates my life. So far, I must say, it is working well. In order for change to take place, something drastic had to happen. I tried to change it months ago but it did not work out. I was getting frustrated and something happened. I seized the opportunity to set things right. I believe I am well on my way now, so help me goddess of change.

Some things are beyond your power to change so I have come to accept it. It does not mean I will not be irritated and throwing a hissy fit when it happens, it just means, I will just scream and not expect anything. If something does happen, great, if not, whatever, I am moving on.

It appears there is an email in my inbox that needed replying but I am not going to go there, either.

I am not going to that email, not right now, not tomorrow, or the day after, either. I am actually unsure if I will reply to it. I do not know what to say without being myself right now. Right now, I am in the mood to be moody and aggravating. While I do not care that I am aggravating, I do understand that some people do not need aggravation right now, not from me.

And you thought I was a bitch, how wrong you were.

I do not plan to aggravate people, it just happens, like earlier tonight. It was not my fault, I am perfect.

Right now, though, my back hurts, I just spilled a glassful of Campari soda on my carpet, and I am out of Campari. The good news is that my glass is still in one piece and I did not scream when my carpet was soaking up the last of my Aperitif.

I cannot say how I will act tomorrow, because I really do not know. I may talk to you, you, or you, I may not.

Julia_HotFish notes to self: some things are best left unsaid, truly.