The air of weirdness that permeates my world last week dissipated and now the air of ridiculousness has taken its place.
There was a break of at least 24 hours before the ridiculous air took over but so far, it has not done much damage to my fragile sanity. I got out of bed 2 days ago and several hours later, decided I should head to the gym for neglected workout and to clear the stagnant, foul air. The work out went well but the rest of the day snowballed into something I could not explain.
As if by magic, the weirdness went away and I felt at peace. I did not get any negative vibes and my evil twin did not make an appearance.
This morning, I woke up too early again, as the norm, and willed myself back to sleep. Not long after, my mobile beeped and I felt nothing. I truly received no vibes when normally, I would have. I marvelled at the lack of emotions and welcomed it at the same time.
As I made my way to the gym, I expected some type of strong feelings or vibes – anger or boredom but still nothing. I did miss my phone not ringing at the usual hour and almost incessant beeping of the arrivals of SMS but hey, I will live.
I have given up on the step mill for now because let’s face it, the damn thing hurts like a motherfucker. I think I am also finally resigned to the lack of high-rise where I live – there is no danger of running down the stairs clinging to dear life, 50 floors from the ground. There is no need to try to race up and down the staircases. In addition, I am bored with the step mill. Therefore, the step mill is on back burner for now.
This evening, by chance, we found yet another gym not too far from the house. By not too far I mean 20 minutes drive one way. It is in the same neighbourhood as my doctor, pharmacy and almost favourite supermarket. I received a one-week free pass that I am debating to use. Yes, the quest for the perfect gym continues.
Meanwhile, what do I do with the rest of my boredom? The IDK theme continues, it seems like.
I am not sure how long this peaceful, no vibes days will continue. All day today, I wondered what it all means. On the one hand, I am happy not getting a slew of emotions but on the other hand, I shudder at what might lay ahead. Either way, I must say that I am enjoying this while I can. Perhaps this is the beginning of a cosy place after the various roller-coaster rides the better part of this year. This is when we sit back and just enjoy the slow ride.
Lately, I have been thinking of those roller-coaster days. It seems so far away, as if we were two different people. I suppose in a way we were. I am not the same person I was this time last year. I see the change in your step today. I see you smiling more often and without prompt. I suppose whatever happens, whether the changes I see in you stay or get washed away in the future, I can be happy in the knowledge that you have a bounce in your steps again.
In other news, I have nothing. I am not planning to quit smoking nor am I planning to be less hateful of all things I hate.
I had a lengthy bitch session about various things I hate this morning. I must add that these bitch sessions always end up with my screaming (sorry to the receiving party at the other end of the telephone) and of course a long and loud laughter by the two of us. It feels good to scream anytime of the day when there is no one to tell you to stop screaming like a banshee. Some people get frustrated and they work out at the gym, ride their bikes, or engage in other strenuous physical activities. Others, like me, scream or drink and scream into our mobile phones.
The other day, as I walked out of the liquor shack, the IM on my phone displayed, “You need to get out of your funk.” I wish I could but I cannot. It is one of those let nature takes its course type thing. I am going to let it take me wherever I need to be taken at least for a while.
I am rather tired of all these but try as I might, I cannot shake it off me. The good news is I am not feeling nothing like I did a few months ago. I do not ever want to go back to that time ever again. It was as if I was in an abyss. I knew what was happening but I could not get myself out, as if I was having an out of body experience, I was on the outside, looking at myself. I was floating around, watching helplessly, while the rest of the world carries on without me.
I might have a few more bitch sessions with myself before I will eventually get out of this “funk.” I want to say I am on my way out, just waiting for the right instant before I eventually walk out the door. I am not sure when that will happen or what will happen after that. I will just go with it, whenever, wherever.
SuriaMentari notes to self: some situation can be rather sticky…
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