You live your life, I live mine.

My evil twin made an appearance a couple of weeks ago. She came almost without warning. I say “almost” because I knew she was around – she is often around, lurking, making her presence known but saying or doing nothing. I do not mind her lurking; she keeps me on my toes – I have to watch myself in any decision making. She often disagrees with me and when I ignore her advice, she takes full control.

I welcome her presence because she gets me going in the right direction most of the time – for instance, if I am at my wits end, she will present me with a number of solutions as I frantically pace in search of an answer. She understands my need to talk to and ask other people for advice and that I sometimes prefer their solution to hers. She just wants me to get a move on and act on whatever it is because I often panic for a solution. She (often) does not tolerate insipid behaviour – it is either you find a solution, act on it or just shut up. Whatever I decide, I have to live with the consequence. I try to instil this in CoTC and hopefully, it will stick. I can see why my evil twin is impatient with indecision and whingeing. Who wants to listen to whinges when solutions abound?

Recently, however, she must have sensed that I had gotten too weak to decide for myself so she stepped in. The result was rather discomfiting. She literally pushed me aside and took charge of my faculties. I ignored phone calls and SMS at her behest because I felt a sudden loathing for the caller and SMS sender. It took awhile to get myself back but she finally let go but not without reminding me that she is still around.

The past few weeks, I have been getting a rather disturbing vibe that I dismissed. The vibe became stronger and I still ignored it, that was when my evil twin stepped in and almost wreaked havoc in my little sanctuary.

I had to get away from the source of this hullabaloo and after a few hours of consulting with my evil twin, I came to my senses. She left.

Before she left, my evil twin reminded me that I have to pay attention to the vibes that I get and that no matter how much I want to change some things, I just cannot. I have the power to try to change my life and that I cannot force myself upon others. I have learnt a few things from this – I need to let go of things that are beyond my control. I need to accept that I cannot control everything no matter how right I am.

I can only strongly suggest but it is not up to me to change anything.

I have ways and means to make CoTC do this and that but once I am out of the picture, it is no longer up to me. They have to make their own decisions and live with it. I often try to explain and remind CoTC I that whatever she does NOW will affect her life later and that I would not be around to put her life right. It is a little easier when it is your own children – you just throw that “I told you so” line and they have to admit that you did tell them so albeit silently.

I try not to throw that “I told you so” line, I try to be patient with others but sometimes it is not so easy.

It has been a couple of weeks and I can feel my evil twin lurking around, ready to pounce on me again but today, I realise that she was right all along. I have to accept that some things I cannot change. I still get irritated that I cannot change it but I will get over it.

Now I just have to repeat it to myself every time I am presented with this opportunity to get irritated. Goddesses of things that cannot be changed, give me strength.

SuriaMentari notes to self: some things are best left unexplored, undisturbed, some things are best left unsaid…

 

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