Get me off this ride

Have you been on a roller-coaster ride? Do you like it? I have been, many times, and I love it.

H is scared to death of it. When we first got married, we went to the Hawaii State Fair and I was so excited seeing all the rides. I grabbed his hand and ran to the highest ride. He sort of groaned but did not resist too much because I was so thrilled I began to jump up and down. When we were seated and the ride started to move, he grabbed my hand and closed his eyes. I screamed at him, “You have to open your eyes so you can see what is underneath you!” He kept his eyes closed and screamed back, “NO!” I laughed but did not let go of his hand. I could not let go because he held on to me so tightly. After the ride, I said, “Let’s go to another one!” He just shook his head at me but did not resist.

Years later, I took CoTC to the amusement park when H was out of town on business. CoTC II was merely three but she was screaming, laughing and having a great time but CoTC I was rolling her eyes and refused to scream for the sheer fun of it. I ignored CoTC I and took them to the highest, fastest rides I could find. When H got back into town, CoTC I complained that I put her through hell at the amusement park almost every week. H laughed and said, “Yes, that is your mother. She loves those rides.” He later apologised to her for not being there to save her from the rides I put her through. Over the next few years, though, H has been the one to encourage CoTC I to go on higher rides. CoTC II simply loves it and needed no encouragement.

When we went home, CoTC II was upset because she could not bungee jump as she was 4 years too young. She cried each time we went anywhere near the site. One of my cousins took us across the border and we spent a day at the local water park. It took nothing to convince CoTC II to get on the highest rides. She was ready for it. CoTC I, like H, had a hard time with it but she went anyway – nothing like peer pressure, I tell you!

Some people love sky diving, scuba diving, roller-skating, what have you. I love the up and down of these rides. When I am up, I love it – I wish that I am down, and when I am down, I am a little sad but wish I were up, high in the air. Looking down at the ground; screaming at the top of my lungs in sheer delight; at the same time wondering if I was going to make it back down alive. The wind that sweeps across my face, throwing my hair this way and that, while I am up high, above the ground, makes me happy. Screaming at the top of my lungs while I am up there makes me ecstatic and I love sharing the experience with someone. It is not very fun when the person with you is merely there to accompany you on your ride. I love going on these rides with CoTC II because she is always genuinely excited to be there. While I love H to death, he does not share my love for the exciting roller coaster rides. He is always more than happy to take me there and watch me come off these rides. H prefers the exciting life of camping and hiking while I am perfectly happy to camp in my dreams. Still, we indulge each other – I go camping every so many years and find myself having fun. Mostly, it is because there is no television or telephones to interrupt our family time and I do even less when H is around. He does the cooking, cleaning up, chasing the kids, and is more relaxed. All I ever do is sit, laugh, eat and drink.

Recently, I found myself on yet another roller coaster ride. I feared it would go off course and crash but it did not. I managed to put on the brakes and let it chug along. I was hoping it would run out of steam and die on its own. I was wrong, of course. Roller coasters do not run on steam – those are trains.

Right now though, my roller coaster has morphed into a train and going at a steady speed. The brakes I pulled are now off and the roller train is going into a direction I dare not contemplate.

While I realise that by staying on this roller train I am jeopardising my sanity, I cannot seem to get off it. Most times, it takes me very high I can almost touch the sky while at other times; it went down in a rather slow motion I was afraid it might be broken and spit me out in mid-air.

I do not know how to get off this ride. There is no one to turn the key and stop it to let me out safe and sound.

I could jump off it when it gets low enough and I do realise there will be scrapes and bruises but we have modern medicine to deal with that kind of hurt. There are even products to take away scars these days. I have a few tubes in my bathroom. (Google Mederma. Ahem)

Some days, the ride goes up and down rapidly while other days, it stays up and does not seem to slow down. There are many screams of happiness and laughter when it is up and a little sadness and sombreness when it is down.

The problem with roller coaster rides is that you can go at it alone but as I mentioned, it would be more fun if you were on these rides with someone else. I love taking my rides with at least one other person. When you are on a ride with another person and you want to get off the ride, you cannot just abandon the other person who has been with you throughout. Well, you could but it would be rude. It is impolite to pick up, leave, and not come back without saying a word. After all, the other person has provided the laughter and thrill for you just as you had provided thrill and laughter for the other person.

I decided not to jump off the ride even though I saw my chance. I decided that the other person should know of my decision and decide what to do.

We both like our ride – the highs and the lows but we also realise we need to plant our feet firmly on the ground some times. The problem was how to get off this ride as there is no operator to stop it. It turned out we are the operators and we need to pull the brakes ourselves. We need to improvise since there is really no mechanism to stop this roller coaster. The brakes are broken and we cannot fix it. We tried to weigh our options and came up empty.

I saw the ground approaching and suggested we leap off our roller coaster. It was the only way to get off this ride. It was not an easy decision for the other person but upon my insistence, we leapt off the ride and are now dusting ourselves off from a rather shockingly soft landing. At least, it was a soft landing for me.

Before we walked away from each other, we decided when to come back and meet up for another round of ride. We also left the option of changing the time when to come back – in case it is inconvenient for me to meet at the appointed time.

I know this is a roller coaster ride to nowhere but I just cannot completely walk away from it.

Maybe the next time we jump off the ride, we should not look back at each other. Maybe we should erase the traces of our joy rides from our memories as we walk away. Alternatively, we could just file it in our memory banks and look back at it from time to time.

Will I have the courage and determination to not look back even as the other person is staring at my back, thinking I would come back soon…? Do I have the gumption to walk away and leave behind a world of hurt and sadness with my sudden albeit often anticipated departure?

Julia_ish notes to self: Life is not easy but it should be less difficult.