Mind-boggling

I do not know where to start, frankly. Perhaps from the beginning; but I am unsure where that beginning is, to be honest.

I saw someone who said little, but appeared friendly enough. He was not the sort of person I would normally talk to or hang out with and thus that was the appeal. I suppose I was bored at the time and wanted/needed the distraction and whatever challenge he might present.

As time went on, it became clear to me that we were polar opposites. I had no problem with that. Many of my friends do not share my enthusiasm for various activities. Some did not share the same thoughts I did in various subjects but we got on just fine. Opposites attracts, after all.

While my friends and I were different like he and I are different, we had something in common. We fed off each other’s enthusiasm for life. When one of us was down, it was easy to get back to being happy again. Life did not drag us down the bottomless pit. We pulled each other out of that cesspit of hell. Sometimes we used each other as a crutch to get back on our feet, other times when one of us was so far down, we reached down, extended our hands and we pulled the other up. Other times, after we parted ways, living our different lives, we found our strength elsewhere. We had to seek out that sunshine, that elixir of life in case we ever needed help to feel alive again.

He was nothing like my friends and I. It was as if he wanted to stay the victim of consequences and fed on pity instead of words of encouragements and offers of a better life. It was as if the bottomless pit had sucked him in so deep no amount of pulling would ever get him out; the underworld had claimed his soul and left his physical self-life-less and without hope amongst the living.

I am a generally contented person with periods of strife and melancholy. Whenever I felt down, I would seek out some type of motivation to get back into my happy place. I have left my friends years ago and we got on with our lives, we now live very separate from each other. I could not use them as a support anymore. I had adapted and had been successful in bringing myself back up and out from whatever brought me down. I would let myself wallow for a while but a few trips to the mirror would reveal a sad face that does not belong to me. That would normally goad me enough to get a move on. Other times, I use other peoples’ zest for life to jolt me back into activating my happy self. I find that when I am stuck in a rut I would sink into despair although nothing is bothering me. The monotony of day-to-day life sucks me into a vacuum and it scares me. When that happens, I change my schedules, I talk to different people, the foods that I eat or cook, the clothes that I wear – I change my routine.

I cannot understand why people would remain unhappy and not seek out ways to improve their lives. I much rather listen to someone rant and rave, cuss and swear at life’s unfairness, sulk in a corner for a while before getting up seeking greener pastures.

He just sits there and whinges and I listened but after a few months, I felt that I had to tell him what I thought. I told him to do something with his life – move, get a different job, clean his apartment, something. In response many months later, he said that I am a bitch. I wondered how he came up with that conclusion. He told me that some of the things I said were hurtful and therefore I am a bitch. I was dumbfounded. I told him that I was just giving him some ideas on how to better his pathetic life. (OK, I did not say “pathetic” actually. I used my inside voice for that.)

After a failed attempt at fulfilling his promises to titillate and excite me in person subsequent to countless hours that I invested into this pseudo-relationship, I had to cut him out completely. (Yes, that November “Hey” guy in my previous post). I did change my username yet again and no one knows it. I log on and no one is there. I am okay with that. Last night, after one too many Campari sodas, I logged on to my older username since I last logged off weeks ago. Guess who said, “Hello”? Yeah. I did delete him. I did change my username so why did I log on again over there you wonder. I am trying to work out some issues.

No, not that kind of issues, you moron.

A few weeks ago, I was getting a sort of negative or iffy vibe if you will, from someone I have been talking to for a few months. I ignored it but it got worse. In fact, it got so bad that I began getting double vibes from this person. Now, how can that be, right? I began to get a very strong negative vibe that was a little too similar to that November person. I know that is a possibility – I have successfully gotten myself into another one of those situations where I seek to destroy my sanity by associating myself with those who are doomed to be miserable their entire lives, before finally sucking me into their black hole.

I have some questions to ask this person but I am not sure if I should – I am nosy but I cannot justify asking these types of questions that are in my head right now. I feel as if I am invading his privacy. Oh, there are actually MANY questions that I want to ask now that you mention it. I just have to select which ones because as crazy, nosy and insensitive as I am, I am damn sure not a total bitch.

Where all of this rambling is going, you ask.

I am debating asking the November person why is he seeking me out now and how in hell did he figure out how to find me. I am afraid to know the answer. I cannot anticipate what he might say and I am trying to work out if I even care anymore what is going on with him. Part of me does not care at all but the nosy part of me wants to know.

Ah, sorry to have bored you with another one of my thoughts.

This is what happens if twitter is not around. You have to explain to people why you said such and such a thing. Well, most people do not care to know but there are those who do – either because they have begun to develop fondness for me or because they, too, are nosy, just like me.

I have to go figure out which questions I want to ask among other things. I am also trying to figure out what is happening with us. I am unsure whether this is a healthy thing for either one of us. More importantly, where is this going and will we be able to sustain this relationship or do I start anew as I have done many times before once all of this is over between us.

Thus is the life of someone who needs to keep the lull at bay.

Julia_ish notes to self: get a new hobby.