My plan this morning was to stay home. As the hours passed, I realised that I needed a few things so I reluctantly went to the local Wal-Mart. I went about my way, mentally trying to remember what I needed to buy. I very seldom make and carry a list of things I need to buy – I often leave them on the table at home or in the passenger seat of the car. Why do I put it on the passenger seat instead of my handbag? I often started to go astern and then something in my head screamed I left my list somewhere in the house. Five flustered minutes later, I get in the car and toss the list on the seat because if I sit around in the car any longer, I might just go back into the house and not go anywhere. Anyway, that is just me, of course.

As I was walking, pushing the trolley in front of me, I scan the surrounding for anyone I might know and need to avoid or aisles that I do not normally give a second thought to but needs to visit . Suddenly, a very large man appeared in my peripheral vision. Nothing outstanding about that – he was pushing an empty trolley like I was. I walked past the ice-cream section and recalled that I had a craving for ice cream for the past week. Normally, if I crave ice cream or anything else for that matter, I wait a few days. If the feeling passes, I do not act on my craving. This time, a week came and went and I could taste vanilla ice cream on my tongue so I had to make a purchase. That large man was right behind me, scanning ice cream as well. I thought nothing of it. I walked briskly to the next aisle and determined I needed nothing from there so I moved on several aisles over. This time, I passed the coffee aisle and paused, hearing my husband’s voice inside my head telling me he bought a few tins of coffee so I continued walking. I stopped walking and made a turn to visit the aisle that had olive oil. I have a few pots of chillies in the garden and I thought I could infuse a small bottle of olive oil so I stood there, searching for that one brand that my husband prefers. As I was staring at the various sizes and brand names, that large man was doing the SAME THING! At this point, I thought, coincidence? I stole a glance into his trolley and saw that it was still empty. I found the EVOO that I was looking for and noticed the regular cooking oil in the next shelf. I grabbed a bottle and moved on. Guess what that large man was doing? Yep. I walked briskly to the opposite end and went to the back of the store by the dairy section. I noticed he was not behind me so I breathed a little easier. Imagine my shock and surprise when I saw him by the dairy, standing there, his cart was STILL EMPTY. So I walked past him and made a detour to the home fragrance section and he was also intently looking at room fragrances. At this point, I took my BlackBerry and sent a message to a friend telling him someone was following me around at Wal-Mart. He replied, do NOT go out. Go to the kitchen department and get a big ass knife!

I am not sure if he could read SMS from afar because he is talented that way or because he thought I was calling someone or I suddenly became a bore to him but he was gone… to be on the safe side, I walked to the other end of Wal-Mart although I had no reason to do so. So I walked up and down the aisles with no intention of buying anything else, at the same time wishing I never left home almost two hours before that. Gah! Meanwhile, my ice cream was melting!!!

As I stepped outside, I stood at the exit, trying to recall where I parked (because that is what I do each time I get out of any shops) I looked around to see if this large man is laying in wait for me at the car park. I found my car and the man was nowhere in sight. Perhaps he was still inside, busy stalking someone else or actually going up and down aisles with the intention of buying something. As I sat in my car, I looked at the glove box compartment and beat myself up because I always carry a knife in there. At one point, I had a sharp butter knife lodged inbetween the passenger seat and the middle console. I also have the usual stuff people might carry in their car – torch light, CDs, Gatorade, bottle of water, empty plastic bags, an umbrella and several disposable lighters. I got to thinking – hey, I need to carry this knife on me so I could casually take it out of my handbag the next time someone accost me at Wal-Mart or anywhere else. Maybe next time also, I could hit “video” on my BlackBerry and record the stalker and send it off to the local law enforcement and FBI. What do you think?

Dear would-be stalkers, for the love of god, please, get a life and a girlfriend. You could be stalking an incorrigible need to be in constant contact with everyone soc-net junkie who isn’t the HotFish. And then what? Have your ridiculous loser self plastered all over youtube and the police knocking down your front door. That will teach you.