I know nothing

Since I deleted my joint Facebook account with my sister, she decided to get an account for herself there at the behest of her best friend. One thing led to another, as you can guess. My sister’s ex-boyfriend from school found her best friend and started asking after her. Of course, my sister’s ex-boyfriend is married with at least a child now. My sister is childless and divorced.

I never liked her ex-boyfriend and neither did my mum. Let’s just say he was not our type as far as the opposite sex goes.

My sister recently told me that one of her old friends from school was contacted by this ex-boyfriend via Facebook (but of course) asking about yes, you guessed it, my sister. My sister was annoyed because he was going around asking people about her. She was doubly annoyed because he is now married. No, my sister does not wish to get back together with the person she dumped years ago. She is annoyed because as a married man, he is too interested in looking her up. I cannot say I empathise with my sister because I do not have an ex-boyfriend. I have many ex-friends but never that “special” someone from my past that used to send chills down my spine or whatever the expression.

Further, I really do not care if you are married – many people look up their ex on Facebook these days, right? The question is, why are they looking up people from their past? H’s sister rang me last week and we talked about Facebook. She told me that she does not intend to join Facebook. She said, “There is a reason why I did not keep in touch with some people all these years. I do not want to keep in touch with them now.”Well, H always says his sisters are stupid but I must admit she has a point there – about dropping off the face of the earth and not re-surfacing.

I asked my sister if she knows why her ex-boyfriend is looking her up, enquiring about her through various friends. She told me she does not know and does not care. She speculates that either her ex-boyfriend is just the “married but looking” sort or he is not happy with his marriage. I do not know how to reply to either speculation. If I run into him in the future, I will ask him why he is looking up his ex-girlfriend. I know I will not get a straight answer – he was painfully shy and quiet as I recall. Of course, he is not going to tell me the truth why he is looking for my sister, his ex-girlfriend; I mean, would you answer truthfully, if you were him?

I do think this looking up the ex –girlfriend/boyfriend thing on Facebook or anywhere for that matter is wrong and rather stupid. Why don’t people just move on and find someone new to hook up with? I mean, why live in the past, move on to something new already.

For instance, if you have a problem in life, you might want to seek new and innovative ways to revive whatever it is ailing you. Well, I get the tried and true methods, I understand. However, looking up of old boyfriend/girlfriend is wrong on so many levels. Consider the problems you might be causing your ex. He or she may be happy in his or her (married) life. Even if they are not happily married or single, why go back down that road? You broke up, you went your separate ways, you move on.

Of course, it is easy for me to say; I have no ex – boyfriend to speak of but think of what I just set forth. Does it not make sense to you?

Well, if you are married, and you have someone else on the side for whatever reason, I have nothing to say to you. No, I am not judging you, not at all. I just do not know what to say to you, actually. Maybe you are just the sort of person who looks for trouble, or problem, I do not know.

Me, well, there is nothing wrong with me. I am perfect. I am happily married and H knows I need my space, my toys and my entertainment. H is never the sociable sort. Sure, he socialises with others at work and elsewhere but he considers online life to be a tad unreal and too time consuming.

H is right of course, about online activities being a time suck. He tolerates my time online – I am rather adept at it. I do it while I am watching television with him, I do it when I am getting dressed, folding my clothes, making my bed, cleaning the house, shopping, driving; you get the idea. He does, however, have a problem when I continue to IM/SMS or have a phone conversation with a married man. The same question will always pop up, “Does his wife know? What does she think about it?” I must say I do not much care. I just expect the other person to understand his own situation better than anyone else and yes, I blogged about this married man going around behind his wife’s back last year. Wait, was it the year before last? Either way, nobody, (certainly not me) twisted anybody’s arm in this situation. I mean, you are over there, far away from me, and I cannot possibly make you do whatever you do not want to do. Is that logic good for you?

A month or so ago, I mentioned to H I was on IM with someone. He immediately asked, “Is that the married one or…?” I pursed my lips in response and he shook his head before walking away. These days, he just stares at me blankly when I mentioned the possibility of meeting this person. However, as an old friend said to me earlier today, “You mean to tell me H dares to deny you anything? Did you not put the fear of teh Lola in him?” Ah, yes, I am still that spoilt, lazy girl from long ago.

Considering all the problems that I have created for myself, I think I know why I do not have any ex-boyfriends to contend with in my life. Even I need space to breathe and be with my own company occasionally. Honestly, though, who needs ex-anything to deal with?

P/s I am still on Facebook, I am still Julia, I am still not adding people just so they can poke me. In addition, no, I have not logged in to Facebook to play any mind-numbing games lately and yes, I am once again out of love with that cursed soc-net.

Julia_ish notes to self: when you play with fire…

No drugs, thank you.

I cannot tell you how happy I am that winter is ending. It seems that the fog is finally lifting, taking with it the gray sky that is a permanent fixture of wintertime.

Strange as it may seem, I feel the itch to leave the house everyday in the wintertime if only to escape the doldrums inside my house. I had to be outside, to breathe in the fresh air, and remind myself that winter is not forever. Just looking out the windows gave me reason to bitch, moan and complain about the dreariness that winter brings. Being outside in the almost – bitter-cold weather does not actually improve my mood. It intensifies my hatred for winter. Ironically, I feel better once I get home. I am not sure if I feel better because I did get the fresh air or because the weather outside confirms that I am better off indoors.

Yes, I tend to complicate matters a little sometimes.

The weather this past week has been somewhat nice – the sun is shining and it has been 21C – the warmest one can possibly hope for in January. Of course, my only complaint is that it is rather breezy and windy, making 21C feel like 15C. Hey, some of us just prefer the hot.

Lately, I am going through the wake-up-first-thing-in-the-morning cycle. I think the latest I open my eyes in the morning these days is around 7ish which says a lot. I am normally still fast asleep at 9 A.M.

Of course, I am still pissing away my mornings regardless what time I get out of bed but that is no surprise. If I am able to get out of bed at 5 A.M, get a Pilates or Yoga workout by 5.30 A.M, clean the house and walk out the door freshly showered and shaved by 7 A.M, I suggest you alert the media because I have been invaded by an alien force.

I try not to pop pills of any sort even if I am having a headache, except right after childbirth. I could have popped those painkillers like a sack of M&M’s. Truth be told, I was given morphine after I had Child of the Corn I. 5 minutes later, the pain of C-section did not subside but instead, it increased. I started complaining of pain and H called the nurse. She walked in and told me that she could not give me anymore because I had the maximum dosage for someone my size. I started screaming and H told the nurse I would not stop screaming so she best find something for me. She hesitated and of course, I screamed and cried louder. That did it – she left the room and came back with Percocet.

Last night, I had a combination of Tylenol and Melatonin. It was a big mistake. The Tylenol did nothing to ease my headache and the melatonin stayed in my system until this morning wreaking havoc on me. I was extremely sleepy. Yes, I took a nap and yes, I am without motivation right now. Damn you, pills in bottles. Damn you.

H cannot take cold medications. He goes out like a light. The only thing he does take is Tylenol and Ibuprofen. When he gets a cold from the germy people at work, he loads up on water, Gatorade, Zinc and other supplements. Which is really no different than any other day when he is not sick, actually. I carry a tube of Tylenol in the car, throat lozenges and bottled water. Once a year, I throw out the Tylenol and throat lozenges because I forget about taking them when I have a pounding headache. I reach for my phone and bitch at whomever lucky enough to be on my favourite speed dial at the time.

Children of the Corn seldom take medications as well. I get very anxious to get to the pharmacy to collect their prescription after leaving the doctor’s office. Once in the car, I make them take their medication even before we leave the premises. If I do not do that, I will forget and of course, they will not remind me they need medication. I think there should be a system where I can return unused portions of prescribed drugs to the pharmacy and get my money back.

It is only after 2ish right now and tomorrow is another brand new day. I shall survive this coldish season yet.

Julia_ish notes to self: stock up the liquor cabinet, the substitute for pharmaceuticals.

Pray For You.

Yes, yes, I did this video over there on my tumblr earlier today. Or was it last night? Or… hell, I don’t recall.

But anyway, I am so very irritated today. I woke up very early this morning and as the day progressed, I had a sort of inkling my day was not going to end very well. I am seldom wrong because, well, I am not a psychic (if you read my previous posts) I am actually pyschotic. That is what H says all the time but who listens to a blonde?

I know why I was a little annoyed that progressed into an irritation and now just full blown pfft. Pfft? Well, that is just my juvenile reaction to something I cannot stop or control. I am going to stew in hate for however long it takes because I like to let nature take its course. My mum very seldom showed her anger or irritation. It is not very healthy. I do not care if its scientifically proven that I am right or wrong. That is my take on it and I am sticking to it.

One of my irritation this afternoon is because I discovered I did not have the foresight to stock up on my wine yesterday although we drove past countless numbers of package stores. Yes, today is SUNDAY. Praise The Lord, Cannot Buy Liquor Day in Hick-fucking-Ville.

After living here all these years, you would think I would know better. #IMayBeBlonde mean anything to you?

Well, yeah, I am basically irritated and annoyed at myself today. But all the same, I have to drag other people into it because that is how I roll. So you, you and you, whom I am irritated at as well (due to my own stupidity), I pray for you.

Julia_ish notes to self: TRY to be less impulsive and reckless in the future.

Some things do not change.

It was grey, dull and foggy yesterday. All day, it rained and the fog never lifted. The night before, I decided to stay home so I could organise my fridge and freezer. That was not to happen. Of course. Nothing happens according to plan.

I woke up to the alarm on my Blackberry at precisely 5.56 A.M. I shut it off and went back to sleep. Who gets out of bed at such ungodly hour anyway? Almost 2 hours later, my Blackberry buzzed and danced on my nightstand. It was my morning SMS. After replying, I rolled over, with my phone still in my hand, and went back to sleep. Not 2 seconds after, my landline started ringing. I do not have a phone in the bedroom. I do not have a cordless phone, and only one phone has a caller ID and it is on the kitchen wall. That much I do not wish to speak on my landline. A slim line phone has taken permanent residence in Child of the Corn II’s bedroom and another one in the garage. H wanted one so he could call his dad while he is working on the Land cruiser in the event he is stuck in the repairing process. They are all corded. I have no desire to spend hundreds of dollars on cordless phones. I have been there, I have done that. I am sick of it. Besides, nobody knows my landline other than the schools and H’s mum.

So I made my way into the kitchen, heard the message again, and it was Child of the Corn I’s school nurse. Apparently, she has taken ill. I told the nurse I would be there within the hour. I rang the doctor’s office and was able to get a spot around 11.30 that morning. I decided to make a detour to get my dry cleaning before making my way to the doctor’s office. I did not leave that neighbourhood until close to 2 P.M. I fought the urge to tell the people at the pharmacy to read. I handed her my insurance card because she wanted it. She then told me it is for medical only. I thought, well, hell, that was what you wanted. She proceeded to tell me she needed a prescription card. I told her I do not have one. She insisted I produce one. Meanwhile, she was staring at the card. I took my insurance card from my wallet and flipped it over. Lo and behold! One line says Medical Rx: 1-800-CALL US. I pointed it to lead paint licker behind the counter. Guess what she said to me? “I need a prescription card.” I was incredibly calm in dealing with this situation. I took a breath and said to her, “MEDICAL Rx. You probably should CALL this number?” while I pointed at that line. She was not very happy but she took it. Oh my!

I was planning to make a stop at the supermarket practically next door to the pharmacy but I decided sod it, I have a sick kid and I need a few minutes to calm down. In all of this, I managed not to maim, kill or even scream at anyone. I must have been sapped of energy due to lack of sleep and worse, not waking up properly. I medicated the sick kid, told her not to get sick again and sent her off to bed. I then left the house to go to the supermarket and contemplated driving to the nearest airport. Problem was I left my passport at my desk at home. Ick!

I do not need to tell you that I was in and out of the supermarket very quickly. I almost ran people over with my shopping trolley. Well, it is their fault – they were standing around in the middle of the aisle staring at stuff or talking to each other. I do not have the capacity to deal with idiots.

After I left the supermarket, I managed to dodge idiots on parade that has taken over the road that afternoon. I also did not see any State Troopers so I was lucky in that I managed to get away with driving at almost 70 mph on a 55 mph zone. Hey, if you have to drive 20 miles one way to get to the supermarket, you will not be judging me right now.

I made it back safe, as you can tell. I decided I need a nap so bad, I fell asleep almost as soon as my head hit one of the pillows. I tried to wake up, I kept hearing my husband’s keys falling into his key bowl but I was unable to do anything. It turned out, I was hearing things anyway because other than Children of the Corn and myself, there was no-one there. As usual, I had my mobile under my pillow, with my hand over it. I felt it vibrating and glanced at it. It was a phone call from my latest obsession. He was on his way home from work. I could hear the streets in the background. I lazily told him I was in bed. His tone suddenly changed. He described the state he was in, the people he was passing, what street he was on, where he was going and where he was taking me. We had to hurry because he would lose me soon…

I suddenly woke up after our little chat. I had little motivation to do anything before my nap but I suppose the combination of my nap and hearing his voice, it was the wake-up call I needed. His call was timely too, because as soon as I took the veal I was making for dinner off the stove to cook it through in the oven, my husband walked in, looking rather famished.

I suppose my not-so-good day turned out rather nicely after all; except I decided to have a glass of Riesling after dinner and could not tear away from twitter after I climbed into bed later that night. Before I knew it, it was three in the morning. Good grief! I was not sure why but I could not sleep at all last night. It was not from my hour power nap that I derived this energy. It was something else.

I have been waking up around 3 A.M the past month or so. I always fall back to sleep. I hate to think this but I suspect it has to do with my recent obsession. I received this bad vibes as I mentioned in my previous post. The vibe is now gone. The miserable sod is no longer clouding whatever vibe my obsession is sending me. I am now receiving it loud and clear. I wake up when he wakes up for whatever reason. Is that creepy or what? However, I am used to it. I used to dream about my friends back home. It turned out they were having problems in their lives. I used to dream I was on the phone with my husband and the next thing I knew, my sister woke me up and said my husband was on the phone for me. Cosmic connection? Maybe I am just insane. I do not know. All I know is this – I sometimes sense something is not right with a person or situation. I begin to worry if I get nothing. If I do not get any vibes or sense nothing, I worry something is wrong with me. That I am broken and needs patching up. I suppose all is well with me because I can still sense what people who are thousands of miles away might be going through…

Are you jealous of me yet?

Mind-boggling

I do not know where to start, frankly. Perhaps from the beginning; but I am unsure where that beginning is, to be honest.

I saw someone who said little, but appeared friendly enough. He was not the sort of person I would normally talk to or hang out with and thus that was the appeal. I suppose I was bored at the time and wanted/needed the distraction and whatever challenge he might present.

As time went on, it became clear to me that we were polar opposites. I had no problem with that. Many of my friends do not share my enthusiasm for various activities. Some did not share the same thoughts I did in various subjects but we got on just fine. Opposites attracts, after all.

While my friends and I were different like he and I are different, we had something in common. We fed off each other’s enthusiasm for life. When one of us was down, it was easy to get back to being happy again. Life did not drag us down the bottomless pit. We pulled each other out of that cesspit of hell. Sometimes we used each other as a crutch to get back on our feet, other times when one of us was so far down, we reached down, extended our hands and we pulled the other up. Other times, after we parted ways, living our different lives, we found our strength elsewhere. We had to seek out that sunshine, that elixir of life in case we ever needed help to feel alive again.

He was nothing like my friends and I. It was as if he wanted to stay the victim of consequences and fed on pity instead of words of encouragements and offers of a better life. It was as if the bottomless pit had sucked him in so deep no amount of pulling would ever get him out; the underworld had claimed his soul and left his physical self-life-less and without hope amongst the living.

I am a generally contented person with periods of strife and melancholy. Whenever I felt down, I would seek out some type of motivation to get back into my happy place. I have left my friends years ago and we got on with our lives, we now live very separate from each other. I could not use them as a support anymore. I had adapted and had been successful in bringing myself back up and out from whatever brought me down. I would let myself wallow for a while but a few trips to the mirror would reveal a sad face that does not belong to me. That would normally goad me enough to get a move on. Other times, I use other peoples’ zest for life to jolt me back into activating my happy self. I find that when I am stuck in a rut I would sink into despair although nothing is bothering me. The monotony of day-to-day life sucks me into a vacuum and it scares me. When that happens, I change my schedules, I talk to different people, the foods that I eat or cook, the clothes that I wear – I change my routine.

I cannot understand why people would remain unhappy and not seek out ways to improve their lives. I much rather listen to someone rant and rave, cuss and swear at life’s unfairness, sulk in a corner for a while before getting up seeking greener pastures.

He just sits there and whinges and I listened but after a few months, I felt that I had to tell him what I thought. I told him to do something with his life – move, get a different job, clean his apartment, something. In response many months later, he said that I am a bitch. I wondered how he came up with that conclusion. He told me that some of the things I said were hurtful and therefore I am a bitch. I was dumbfounded. I told him that I was just giving him some ideas on how to better his pathetic life. (OK, I did not say “pathetic” actually. I used my inside voice for that.)

After a failed attempt at fulfilling his promises to titillate and excite me in person subsequent to countless hours that I invested into this pseudo-relationship, I had to cut him out completely. (Yes, that November “Hey” guy in my previous post). I did change my username yet again and no one knows it. I log on and no one is there. I am okay with that. Last night, after one too many Campari sodas, I logged on to my older username since I last logged off weeks ago. Guess who said, “Hello”? Yeah. I did delete him. I did change my username so why did I log on again over there you wonder. I am trying to work out some issues.

No, not that kind of issues, you moron.

A few weeks ago, I was getting a sort of negative or iffy vibe if you will, from someone I have been talking to for a few months. I ignored it but it got worse. In fact, it got so bad that I began getting double vibes from this person. Now, how can that be, right? I began to get a very strong negative vibe that was a little too similar to that November person. I know that is a possibility – I have successfully gotten myself into another one of those situations where I seek to destroy my sanity by associating myself with those who are doomed to be miserable their entire lives, before finally sucking me into their black hole.

I have some questions to ask this person but I am not sure if I should – I am nosy but I cannot justify asking these types of questions that are in my head right now. I feel as if I am invading his privacy. Oh, there are actually MANY questions that I want to ask now that you mention it. I just have to select which ones because as crazy, nosy and insensitive as I am, I am damn sure not a total bitch.

Where all of this rambling is going, you ask.

I am debating asking the November person why is he seeking me out now and how in hell did he figure out how to find me. I am afraid to know the answer. I cannot anticipate what he might say and I am trying to work out if I even care anymore what is going on with him. Part of me does not care at all but the nosy part of me wants to know.

Ah, sorry to have bored you with another one of my thoughts.

This is what happens if twitter is not around. You have to explain to people why you said such and such a thing. Well, most people do not care to know but there are those who do – either because they have begun to develop fondness for me or because they, too, are nosy, just like me.

I have to go figure out which questions I want to ask among other things. I am also trying to figure out what is happening with us. I am unsure whether this is a healthy thing for either one of us. More importantly, where is this going and will we be able to sustain this relationship or do I start anew as I have done many times before once all of this is over between us.

Thus is the life of someone who needs to keep the lull at bay.

Julia_ish notes to self: get a new hobby.